You know the question… “What are you going to do now that you are empty nesters??!!” This question is almost as trying as the one I was asked after having an all-boy family; “are you going to try for a girl??!!” (As if a family can’t possiby be full or happy because they’ve had children of all one gender.) I’m sure all-girl family parents got this question, too, about trying for a boy. But the empty nester question is the mid-life question you have to use your best etiquette to answer, whereas, the “try for a girl or boy” question is typically in your twenties or thirties. Here’s why I think people shouldn’t bombard empty nesters with that question posed in that exact way but maybe tweaked instead….

Empty-nester parents are filled with emotions already as well as taking on their teens’ emotions for going away to college. They are overwhelmed with military-style schedules of senior year ceremonies, college testing expectations, deadlines, theses, career internships, senior portraits, graduation ceremonies, invitations, rsvps, graduation party themes and details, spring break trip logistics, sports and Scouts obligations and milestones, extra-curricular, fraternity, sorority or dorm and roommate selection pressures, college orientation and enrollment and countless other details. While the children prepare to detach confidently from their parents and attach confidently to their new college environments and lodging constellations and groups, the parents are hit with the “hurricane years”. The hurricane years are the years in which you are sandwiched between young adult children who are still dependents but also aging parents who have major needs.

   On top of the latter, the hurricane years are also when people are entering menopause , andropause, or experiencing career burnout as the couple tries to summit the mountain of successful parenting and family-raising. Hurricane years are filled with friends who might be divorcing and moving, other friends who are moving for job changes, and other friends who are downsizing and entertaining less. Everyone is worn out from all the go, go, go, spend, spend, spend and rightfully so, they are taking a break.

Where does that leave you? You really started to “empty nest” when your youngest child got their driver’s license, their wheels, their freedom with boundaries. You were not needed as much and that was fine because you have been taking up new hobbies, new creative outlets, and you liked being out of the grind of so much time in the car. Kind of. Because not being in the car with your kiddoes also means not having as many chances to converse with them, sing songs on the radio with them, and be in their presence. Once your kids started high school, your homeroom parent and volunteering roles, coaching, etc., decreased but especially upon graduation, they ceased. Suddenly. This was a much needed break, too, but still an adjustment. (It is euphoric, however, to realize that last summer before officially empty-nesting that you’ll never have to complete another back to school online form frenzy, schedule the appointment for physicals, sports physicals, camp physicals, etc. That was a happy dance with flowing champagne moment for me, mentally….but I want to do this physically, too…and soon.) 

What I find difficult about the “what are you going to do now that you are an empty nester?” question was that when I answered honestly with my  list of goals and projects I had for myself or as a couple, I was met sometimes with puzzled looks from the people asking me the question. It was like they couldn’t accept my satisfied and enthusiastic response. Do they want me to be sad, despondent, lonely? Or maybe it’s because they are processing it because it’s coming up for them someday soon, too. And others are processing it because they are reflecting back to their own emotions when they were entering that time. How interesting it is to me that expectant parents are celebrated in their flurry to register for nursery gifts, fluff up their nest, take Lamaze classes and prepare excitedly for the new phase of parenting, but if they do so for the empty nest, they are met with a neutral glare. Is it a neutral glare or am I reading this wrong? Maybe people are just asking us this endless question because they ARE celebrating and encouraging this new chapter for us just like they did when they witnessed us preparing for babyhood.

When empty nester parents plan on ways to repurpose rooms in their houses, they are confronted with the comments, “You shouldn’t change the environment too much—your kids are going to want familiarity to come home to on their breaks. Don’t change their bedroom, yet, etc.” The latter statement has a lot of merit and validity and I take it to heart. Yet, people need to realize the empty-nester couple is also transitioning and needs ways to re-fluff THIS nest. (This nest that has been so well loved and well worn by the decades of providing shelter for your kids, their friends, the wear and tear that full lives bring to that shelter.) They need ways to literally fill that void or gain back some space and independence from the full nest. It is said mother eagles actually make their nests less comfortable on purpose so that their baby eagles will not get too comfortable and will seek and soar to to their new lives. Of course, eagles and humans are not on the same pace of development but I understand the metaphor; baby birds need that push.

Spouses don’t have to define themselves only being co-parents. We were a couple for five years purposely before our first child was born and our family years started. We know we are fun together with or without kids. Our sons are the essence of our life but we also have identities outside of parenting. I’d be scared if we didn’t. We didn’t get married only to have kids nor was our marriage only about procreating and being a family. Why would we? You are going to have more years, decades even, without your kids than with your kids so why would you want to succumb to that transition and void?  After years of people only asking you first about your kids, what your kids are doing, and rarely about you, personally, who also had vocations, interests and projects, now, they are asking you what you’re going to do without your kids in this new phase. It’s as if your identity is only wrapped up in being someone’s mom or dad. Of course, that is most parents’ favorite identity but…….it’s not their only identity. The question is as if they are asking you for a resume.

Interestingly, when you give it to them, they might look at  you quizzically. After decades of politely answering their questions about your kids , are you “permitted” to celebrate your independent identity? Are the people asking the question okay with you moving on with your life and goals? That’s what I’m trying to figure out when they ask me.

The goal was to raise kids to be independent and have flourishing lives.  Your quantity time filled your hearts and hands with a plethora of roles. Togetherness was a concept you ate, slept, and breathed. The years did not go by in the blink of an eye. Thank God! They went by at a perfect pace and one in which you cherished each stage. So when you reach the summit of parenting and child-rearing, you mentally do the Rocky Balboa arms in the air pump because it is a celebration, a victory.

When I reflect on what would be the perfect answer when so many people ask me “What are you going to do now that you’re an empty nester?”, I have to first ask myself,“what is it about the question that provokes me?” Many parents have not lived in other cities, backpacked across countries, or have had certain adventures when they were having the adventure of starting a family. They might be ready to raise themselves now! They might’ve sought careers and lives that were conducive to family rearing. But now, they might be pulled towards more creative vocations or unconventional lives with their newfound freedom. I was pleasantly surprised recently to discover that one of my best friends and I discussed both having had an interest during college to join the Peace Corps. We didn’t do it then because our lives were on another track. However, we did do a version of this when we took a voluntourism girls trip together to Guatemala with a company founded by a former Peace Corps volunteer. We fulfilled a bucket list item together by branching out…..outside of our almost empty nest.

I realize the best answer to give people without giving away too much personal background and analysis that they are not ready for is this, “It will be an adjustment… like everything else in life. Each stage is an adjustment.” Then, I’ll be quiet. I’ll hope that people just send positive energy and a hug for this new adjustment phase. I might add, “In that adjustment period, I have a list of goals, projects and experiences to accomplish. It’s all good. I see my kids regularly, they come home for breaks, and my husband and I are celebrating a parenting victory of seeing our sons become educated and independent.”

I hope this will suffice. I also hope it suffices for other parents going through the same situation. Most of them are all grappling with their emotions about this. I see friends who have been forewarned by their own parents to have a back up plan for this period because their parents had the rug pulled out from underneath them during this transition. Some transitions included starting over in their personal lives, some are filling a huge void from not being professional volunteers in their children’s schools or their communities. Many parents faced this transition not knowing their purpose. Some parents are are faced with the reality that they don’t have the same involvement and influence now in their kids’ college lives. Their kids are on their own for the most part….starting at ground zero or reinventing themselves. They have to prove themselves and ascend their own ranks of social hierarchy. I’ve noticed it leaves some moms in a vulnerable state.

Some parents will cry during this college drop off transition. Some will cocoon. Some will binge watch television movies. Others will redecorate and repurpose the house. Some will enter the work force again in some capacity to fill up their days. Others will become professional volunteers and activists. Some will start traveling. Others will learn new hobbies. Many will focus on their elderly parents’ needs. Whatever it will be, it will be a transition for everyone. Kids will look at their parents differently during this college time. They’ll seek them out as consultants instead of managers. My cousin told me this expression and she was right. It will be an adjustment every time the kids return to the nest. All parents confirm this. The bottom line is things change. They’ll keep changing.

Maybe consider to not ask the question in that way and tweak it instead to say, “I am thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts as you transition to the empty nester phase. I am sure you have many emotions as well as many exciting adventures to experience. I hope you feel my encouragement for every step of the way in this phase.” Or….at least think these thoughts in your head next time you converse with a brand new empty-nester. Be part of their metamorphosis and be ready to listen to their goals with positivity and good vibes. They’ve just completed a marathon of emotions, swam through an ocean of tasks and milestones , and summitted a mountain of challenges all at once. This triathlon of parenting has left their wings weary and their hearts full. Let them rest and catch a break and don’t bombard them with that question. After all, the break is needed….before the grandparent stage happens which is inevitably around the corner!

© Gina Michalopulos Kingsley